This week Hype’s Grumpy Old Raver suggests we all Pokémon STOP!

Way back when dinosaurs still roamed the planet, I had a brief love affair with gaming. It started with Atari’s Pong, moved on to Asteroids and stopped after Pac-Man. After that I was over it – my disdain for gaming helped along by the fact I was always elbowed out the way when my brother and his mates huddled around the controls in his bedroom. And again when my brother took great delight in beating me every time when I was allowed to play against him, which was only when his pals weren’t around.

Let’s time hop a few decades. My loathing for gaming surfaced again when once great after-parties in friends’ houses would fall flat as soon as the lads pulled out the X-Box or PlayStation. It always astounded me that I could have walked out the door with their prized record collections and they’d be too absorbed in shooting the enemy to even notice. Yup, gaming became the kiss of death for good after-hours sessions.

Why it just needs to stop…

pokemon go dubai

So this Pokémon GO malarkey has really got my goat. For a start, I have enough issues with people tapping away at messages on their phones while they are in public places. Particularly over the table at a restaurant, which is just downright rude, and even more so when they are walking along the street. Here’s an idea – why don’t you just call the person you’re messaging and then you can keep your head up and eyes front instead of bumping into me when there’s not another soul around in a 50-metre radius?

Now, instead of the odd numpty like that there are packs of them; dashing in front of cars, stopping traffic and generally causing chaos as they hunt and chase ‘pocket monsters’. Get a grip, people. The only monsters you need in your life come in a packet, melt in your mouth and are called Monster Munch.

Being an old git, I actually had to get someone to explain to me what Pokémon GO was all about. Three times. Words like “crossing between the real world and virtual world” “GPS maps and positions sensors” “collect tools” “poke balls” “augmented reality” “realtime” and “hunt your Pokémon” were hurled at me excitedly – as I lost the will to live.

Horror stories of gaming fools…

Some rather disturbing tales have already emerged as people go mad for Pokémon GO. Do a quick internet search and you’ll find the tale about a dude who was chasing monsters in a hospital delivery room while his poor wife was about to give birth. Back in the real world, if that was my husband I could guarantee there wouldn’t be any more babies after that.  

And there’s another story about a guy spotting Pokémon critters at a funeral. Bad taste much?

In the US state of Oregon, 21-year-old Michael Baker was out on the dark streets chasing monsters at 1am. He noticed another guy acting shifty and assumed he was on the hunt too. He wasn’t and the geezer stabbed him. What did Michael do?

“Right after I was stabbed, I continued my mission to Plaid Pantry. I basically risked my life,” said Michael. Bravo, you fool.

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Closer to home (sort of), the flatmate – One Who Shall Remain Nameless – received a teary phone call from her younger sister earlier this evening. With the sun shining in Scotland – which it very rarely does – the wee sis packed a lovely picnic, blankets and some refreshments and journeyed off to a beautiful scenic spot near Stirling to spend some quality time with her long-term boyfriend. Ten minutes in and he’d shot off to join two other complete strangers in a Pokémon hunt, leaving the sandwiches to go as soggy as his girlfriend’s tear-stained cheeks.

Nintendo’s share prices rocketed thanks to Pokémon GO. One suspects that the rate of relationship break-ups is probably not that far behind.

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Featured photo: Fabio Achilli